Tsunami

Sadness

Deep sadness

It is as though you are standing on the shore watching a wall of water come in

No matter what direction you look or how far you tilt your head back

Just a wall of powerful water, a Tsunami

You feel small

You are small

You wonder will it knock you over or leave you unconscious

Where it will take you, will you know your way?

Will you even survive? Do you even want to?

Will anyone notice you were swallowed up by the ocean?

Grief

Spirit sucking grief

It as though in a moment of sunshine someone dives in to your chest violently grabbing your heart

You don’t expect it, you never do

It comes at 3 am and shakes you awake, running away with your breath

You try to catch it, gasping, choking

You can’t

The lights are turned on

Except your light

Your light is out

Total darkness

You wonder if anyone can see you if you can’t see yourself?

Walking around with your weighted vest, heavy

Nothing else

Just useless weight

Tears become quiet, unpredictable, constant

You hope maybe they wash it away, even a little

You just want some relief, less pain

The grief hurts

The sadness hurts

It all hurts in ways that words cannot express

Does anyone out there know

Can anyone tell me

How to not love?

~Alisa Hutton