I wonder if we are all just living our eulogy
Tales we tell of love and warmth, purpose and valor
Personality spikes sprinkled with dramatic deplore
Is there such a difference between dog and man beyond the years we roam
Egoist form, primped faces wearing tailored clothes
I tripped on humility today
Landing on realities declaration
Extraordinary we are
Only in the moment we are born
~ Alisa Hutton
Edges curling in, weathered
A depressed muted brown bleeds where vibrancy once thrived
The color of apathy and lost purpose
Quietly spoken, perhaps purpose and possibility were never found
Not all flowers die beautifully
Spirit can fold in, cold and fetal without a sound
Air becomes gnarled, sharply chewing decay in hope
The flowers death
A silent and vulgar unbecoming
Mirroring a life I know
~Alisa Hutton
Life’s misconception
Death creeps in to our soul taking hold in the shadows of our night, darkness
A thirsty and unannounced fog that rolls over us in toxic devour, swallowed
Such delusion.
Death is;
Silently announced at birth with our arrival
We all know yet none of us dare utter “welcome child, live well, die better”
Good form of the socially polished adorn birth with silver and plaster smiles
Never to speak of such discomforts such as limited time
After all if we speak of death we may invite it closer
Lean in. Listen. Hear. Shout. Understand.
You will depart
Death is the last name we all share
Welcome my brothers and sisters
Death is the commonality of our family tree
Death is not a secret or a toxin of devout proportions, nor kept in the shadows of our night
It does not search out in thirst or darkness, mine or yours
Death is a gift of knowing that we all seem to ignore
Simply telling us
Live well and love a little more
~Alisa Hutton
There was a space today between my eyes and your soul
My heart wide open to the sadness that I know you must go
I, simply an observer now watching you dance between two worlds
One I know, the other your true home
You looked at me in your knowing way and told me it was time for you to leave
Joking as we always do, I told you I was going to toss you over my shoulder and we’d make a run for the bar down the road
In that moment time stood still and we laughed like we would any other day
A small treasure of sweetness as I watch you slip away
You closed your eyes, quietly drifting off again to that other place
Smiling, you let out that giggle of yours, your body relaxed in to a warm peace
I knew in that moment such generous love is waiting for you on the other side
When you accept the invitation
I trust you will decide
Holding your hand just one last time
We shared words of love and honored it with grace as we said our final goodbye
Please, take my love and rest your heart as you walk towards your angels in the sky
~Alisa Hutton
The swallow of darkness
Grotesquely gorging on your good spirit like a rabid animal
Spitting out your zest for life effortlessly like that tooth you chipped when you were seven
You remember when you were seven, right?
That was when you learned how to tread water
It went something like this, keep moving, hurry up or you will sink to the bottom
So you learned to tread water
Don’t confuse it with floating, you learned that when you were around ten
I believe they yelled at you to lay on your back, relax and breathe or else you will sink to the bottom
So you learned to float
Sink or swim, do or die, don’t ask, just do
That is how is was
That is how it is
I remember that day when you did actually sink to the bottom, looking up through the clear waters at all the people who didn’t notice
Just a little person who was left alone but it came with such clarity
There was something peaceful about it, oddly assuring finally knowing how alone you were
Quiet and serene, finally something so calm and safe
You didn’t feel the panic of treading water or floating any longer
A funny little moment in time where it all stood still
Just you looking up from the bottom
As the swallow of darkness arrives, gorging as it does
Just like that day you sank and how you didn’t see it coming
You are reminded of those who didn’t notice you at the bottom, who never saw you sink
Maybe they never really cared if you did?
The same ones who gave ill advice on how to tread water and float
Funny
As all you ever really needed to know was that you were the only one who could feel what it was like to sit at the bottom
And
It is only you
Who gracefully knew how to rise back up to the top
~Alisa Hutton
She died inside
She didn’t feel a lot
Just a little more
She wasn’t sure how many times one could feel like this before “this” just was
Continually showing up for promptly closing doors
Only a child, she thought there was so much more
When do others see in her eyes what she can see in theirs?
At what point do they know that this one needs a little extra care?
Timing is everything
Unfortunately for her she has never worn a watch
When you ask her what she wishes for in life
She always smiles and says not much
Isn’t that irony of it all?
Exactly what she wished for
Is exactly what she got
~ Alisa Hutton
There is no practicality
I laid beside a stranger who was wheezing her last breath
Two things were not as we expected
My life
Her death
Side by side and equally alone
Curiously, our shared space perhaps was meant to be
I spoke with a woman who had but a few weeks to live
It was not planned or marked on her calendar
Curiously, she spoke with a calm confidence that this was her given time
She said honey trust me you just know
A man now bed ridden, his strength slipping away and out of his control
His strapping youth and forever quick mind he seemingly left at home
He hadn’t packed his favorite things for his stay at the hospital as he never planned to go
Curiously, when I told him I would see him soon he smiled with a simple knowing
No my dear, this is it for me and after this visit you probably won’t
I watched a little boy as color drained from his face, knocking loudly on heaven’s door
This isn’t how I see him, he plays and laughs, giggles and smiles
Get your hands off his little body, this, what is happening
None of it is what I ordered
Please, whoever you are that reaps in your dark and sudden ways
Take me and do what you will and let that little boy go
Through a tiny window
In a moment of life
I saw raw human souls
Horrific things, death and sickness that have forever shaken me to my core
I didn’t know what to do, I dropped to my knees
I held the hands of those entering deaths door
My heart was soothed, my eyes opened and my human fabric will forever know
This life
Our hearts
Those things that our egos think matter and we should know
Nonsense
There is no practicality
I sat on the fence of life and death watching souls come and go
There is only one thing you need to have as you walk through life on your way to deaths door
Love
Simply that, nothing less and nothing more
~Alisa Hutton
Today I looked in the eyes of a woman I did not know
Laying quietly across from one another in a hospital corridor
Twice my age, quietly breathing the end of her story
I looked in her eyes and they seemed to mirror my own
I saw fear, sadness and loneliness in my reflection
Hers, the same deep brown as mine and tilted in similar bend
Yet, they were somewhere else
A place I didn’t know, a place that made me uncomfortable
As we laid quietly in our separate but shared space, I thought is this what it is all about?
Do we eventually end up in a corridor alone?
No comfort of love, no familiarity of a life known or lived?
No hand holding ours, no last I love you?
Does our story end with a stranger in a hall, the only comfort our own?
I couldn’t help but feel my life had been deeply scratched for a reason unknown
Something of this was meant to echo
Was it meant to reverberate a space?
Is it meant for me to open or close?
I really don’t know
I hope she could feel that I saw her life beside me and I felt her soul
I have to believe in the end
It is about something more
Than being alone in a corridor
~Alisa Hutton
One day away
One day away from uttering goodbye friend, how are you left at a quiet table for one
One day away from holding love, flickering lights of indecision eventually turn off to certain end
One day away from a last smile, patience and finality can’t share a bed
One day away from hearing a laugh once more, enjoy it while you can its heart beat can’t allow any more
One day away from locking on excitable eyes, once they close they aren’t yours to see
One day away from feeling that way you always do, only your grieving left to keep you warm
One day away from a long safe hug, breathe it in, lingering scent will be the only thing you can bring home
If only people knew
Option and choice walk a very different path
Moments come once
Love is not often
If only people knew
Loss is always
Just
One day away
~Alisa Hutton
Sadness
Deep sadness
It is as though you are standing on the shore watching a wall of water come in
No matter what direction you look or how far you tilt your head back
Just a wall of powerful water, a Tsunami
You feel small
You are small
You wonder will it knock you over or leave you unconscious
Where it will take you, will you know your way?
Will you even survive? Do you even want to?
Will anyone notice you were swallowed up by the ocean?
Grief
Spirit sucking grief
It as though in a moment of sunshine someone dives in to your chest violently grabbing your heart
You don’t expect it, you never do
It comes at 3 am and shakes you awake, running away with your breath
You try to catch it, gasping, choking
You can’t
The lights are turned on
Except your light
Your light is out
Total darkness
You wonder if anyone can see you if you can’t see yourself?
Walking around with your weighted vest, heavy
Nothing else
Just useless weight
Tears become quiet, unpredictable, constant
You hope maybe they wash it away, even a little
You just want some relief, less pain
The grief hurts
The sadness hurts
It all hurts in ways that words cannot express
Does anyone out there know
Can anyone tell me
How to not love?
~Alisa Hutton
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