Sadness
Deep sadness
It is as though you are standing on the shore watching a wall of water come in
No matter what direction you look or how far you tilt your head back
Just a wall of powerful water, a Tsunami
You feel small
You are small
You wonder will it knock you over or leave you unconscious
Where it will take you, will you know your way?
Will you even survive? Do you even want to?
Will anyone notice you were swallowed up by the ocean?
Grief
Spirit sucking grief
It as though in a moment of sunshine someone dives in to your chest violently grabbing your heart
You don’t expect it, you never do
It comes at 3 am and shakes you awake, running away with your breath
You try to catch it, gasping, choking
You can’t
The lights are turned on
Except your light
Your light is out
Total darkness
You wonder if anyone can see you if you can’t see yourself?
Walking around with your weighted vest, heavy
Nothing else
Just useless weight
Tears become quiet, unpredictable, constant
You hope maybe they wash it away, even a little
You just want some relief, less pain
The grief hurts
The sadness hurts
It all hurts in ways that words cannot express
Does anyone out there know
Can anyone tell me
How to not love?
~Alisa Hutton
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